"The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear?" Proverbs 18:14

For the longest time, bitterness to me was something similar to what I'd watched as a child in numerous episodes of the western TV series, "Bonanza". There always seemed to be some guy who had a real or imagined grudge to bear against one Cartwright or another. This guy's bitterness was apparent in every camera closeup showing his hate-filled eyes, angry gestures, and malevolent attitude. Even at age ten I had little problem grasping the moral of the story: bitterness wastes the life of many a cowboy.... I carried these lessons over into adulthood. I learned to equate bitterness with only certain outward signs, and since I didn't think I had any of those signs to any great degree (nor did I own a horse or shotgun), well, I must not be bitter. At least that's what I assumed. I was wrong.

So then, just what is bitterness? How is it we get bitter in the first place? How does one recognize it? Why is it we're admonished to get rid of it? Is getting rid of it even possible?

Bitterness begins with a hurt; a wound to our spirit. There's not one of us, young or old, who can claim to have never been hurt. We've all experienced hurts. Hurts from parents, hurts from spouses, hurts from friends or co-workers, hurts from other Christians ... the thing a friend said or didn't say, the prayer which went unanswered, the apology from a husband which he refused to offer, recognition from parents which never comes, some simple courtesy in the check-out lane which was overlooked. To feel the hurt of our wounds, no matter how large or small, isn't wrong in itself, indeed, it's an important element in our spiritual growth, but how our hurts are confronted and handled is the difference between giving bitterness room to put down roots and in not allowing this sin to be sown in the first place.

The worst wounds often come as a result of another's sin against us. Many of we wives -- AND our husbands -- have been terribly hurt in childhood and later during adulthood, and these hurts, left unresolved, have been carried into our marriages. Some have learned to empty out their hurt-turned-to-bitterness through uncontrollable anger, biting criticism, arguing and verbal abuse, rejection of (godly) authority, fault-finding, depression, selfishness, extreme moodiness, substance abuse and obsessive behaviors, extreme stubborness, avoidance of, or throwing oneself into, many people ... etc.

There are others who are more adept at keeping their bitterness at bay and squelched to "acceptable" levels, but still the same symptoms rear their ugly heads . . . in attitudes rather than actions. Those who carry around this "not-quite-as-bad" bitterness are often angry and impatient without knowing why. They're critical of and defensive against those who've hurt them and others who are similar. Yet, tend to be thin-skinned in receiving criticism of themselves. They're easily disappointed in others because of their own high (spiritual) expectations. These expectations often "blind" them to seeing changes God wishes them to make in their own selves and in their walk with Him. Submission to Christ and other authority figures (like husbands) is difficult, and areas of habitual failure. They battle depression without knowing why they're depressed. They frequently speak of the hurts dealt to them, yet retreat when offered godly, scriptural advice. Instead of substance abuse they turn to gluttony or materialism or any numerous other distractions; even "godly" ones. They have difficulty in making a true effort to give of themselves and sticking with it. Resentment and self-pity make up much of their inward thoughts. I could go on....

In dealing with my own bitterness, I spent a great deal of time trying to keep the pain, anger, defensiveness, depression, selfishness from showing and overflowing the boundaries of that which "seemed" appropriate. I used many different kinds of bandages to try and cover up my wounds. I tried to ease my conscience by saying "Maybe I was wrong, but what he did was worse." In my mind I would dramatize it by saying, "I can't believe what she did to me ... I have a right to be bitter." I would catch myself playing the scenes of my hurts-- some of them years old -- over and over again in my mind, reliving them and replaying them so that I might come out the victor -- most often by getting in my own little vengeful, wounding digs. My soul was consumed by this process; this sinful habit of thought. And what's worse -- I actually tried to believe I was to feel comfortable with my bitterness! Many, especially the "Christian self-help" books I read, sympathetically counseled, "It's okay for you to feel this way! It's normal. He or she or they did something bad to you!" But deep deep inside, I knew it wasn't okay. I knew the Bible verses about "turning from anger". . . . I knew Jesus promised peace.

So, of their own accord my wounds seeped infection all over the place. That's the worst thing about bitterness ... it doesn't stop. It just keeps growing and festering, and reaching out with little tentacles to touch the lives of other people, many of which get sucked up into it -- especially those with whom welive. They are defiled (Heb. 12:15) by what is inside of us -- our bitterness --whether against them or not. You see, bitterness can be controlled to one extent or another; bitterness can, most especially, blend in with the bitterness of others so it's harder to see; but it can never be completely contained. Never. Do you recognize yourself to a good degree in the two previous lists of symptoms? If you do, do you dare believe you are really hiding what you feel? Do you dare believe your family isn't effected by what's inside you? Do you dare believe your children, who copy every move their parents make, won't copy your bitterness -- whether or not you yourself can see it??

"But!" you say, "what about my husband?!" I know many of you see your own husband in some or all of the lists of characteristics. I pray it helps you empathize with him, and helps you realize much of what is directed at you in the form of hurt from him is his own pain (and struggle with the Lord) being manifested. Yes, your husband is accountable for his bitterness, but you, dearest sister, can do nothing about that! Instead, you are accountable for giving him and most especially your children a proper example of a true Spirit-led, fruit-bearing Christian. A bitter woman is a lousy picture of our loving, forgiving Father and our intercessor, Jesus Christ.....

But what is there to do . . . . "Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;" (Hebrews 12:15).

We must start being diligent in looking at ourselves rather than others and stop failing of the grace of God! We need to look at our hurts and acknowledge them as hurts; we need to look at our anger and acknowledge it as anger. If we cannot diligently go to God with our hurt and anger, then we have no recourse against this sin. Rather than telling ourselves it's "normal" or "okay" to feel the bad things we feel, we need to take God at His word and appropriate His grace to heal our hurt and cleanse us of anger. The grace He imparts? Forgiveness. Please do this: Make a list of people who've hurt you and sinned against you. People who didn't keep their promises; parents who favored a sibling; abuse you have endured ... Then make a second list of the things you've done to hurt those and other people. That one's going to be tough because we don't like to remember those things, but it's absolutely necessary. Bitterness with all it's soul-withering symptoms, comes when we concentrate only on the wrongs done to us; when we refuse to appropriate the grace of God to forgive; repenting of our own sin and walking in righteousness.

When you compare these lists you will find that you have wounded others in the same ways in which you were wounded; you have sinned against others in the same manner in which others sinned against you; the very things your husband does to you, you defile him with as well. Bitterness destroys us because it makes us exactly like the ones who have hurt us; and it defiles those around us because we hurt them as we have been hurt -- and they go out and do the same thing to others. The cycle must and CAN stop with us.

If you're brave enough to make those two lists then please make one more...a list of how you have hurt your Lord. Get down on your knees; on your face; and ask Jesus to show you the ways in which you've hurt Him. Jesus knows exactly what it's like to be deeply wounded by the sins of others. He hurts because of you. Ask His forgiveness. Then ask Him to make you able to go to those you've wronged and seek their forgiveness. If you can't do it face to face then seek His strength to write a letter; give it to your husband, children, parents . . . . After you've sought forgiveness: then take your list of people who have hurt you -- and tear it up; rip it to shreds. If you've been honest before your God and with your neighbor, you will find little desire to hold their sins against them.

After that, when the temptation comes to remember the painful, angry feelings, and it will, repent of the memory. It is forgiven. When the temptation comes to relive a scene in your mind, and it will, repent from it. It is forgiven. When the temptation comes to feel sorry for yourself because you're the only one doing the forgiving -- and it will -- then forgive some more. There's no doubt you will recall the debts that were owed to you -- the "forgive and forget" formula which the world wants us to believe is a lie -- but when you do recall the debt of someone against you, then you also have the power to remember that you yourself canceled that very debt.

Remember the story in Matthew 18 of the servant who owed the king a huge debt? The king was going to sell him, his family, and all that was his, but the servant fell down and worshipped the king and begged for mercy. "Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him and forgive him the debt." Then the servant went out and ran across someone who owed him a very small debt. That he was angry at the man is apparent for he tried to choke him. I can't help but wonder if it wasn't the debt the servant was remembering as much as whatever hurt was associated with the debt. The servant refused to turn away from remembering; refused to walk in the forgiveness he himself had been granted. When the king found out what the servant had done he "was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors..." Did you get that? Sounds suspiciously like the man was sentenced to live in his own bitterness! Jesus says, ". . . likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses."

We don't have to live with the root of bitterness ripping away at our insides, defiling everyone around us. Forgiveness is a choice we are asked to make in response to God's offer of forgiveness to ourselves. Take a good, long look at yourself through the eyes of Christ. Stop being comfortable with your pain and anger; stop letting others tell you it's okay; stop blending in with every other "fake tv cowboy" on earth. You, beloved, have an option to rise above your wounded spirit to walk in the complete, abiding peace Jesus offers. That it will cost something there's no doubt, but would you not gladly allow your heart to be broken for a short season of time in order to be free of a lifetime of torment in a prison cell of bitterness? Would you? Will you? The King awaits your answer .....